Your Dating Advisor

A Great way To Resolve Conflict by Site Admin

There are a number of Native American traditions that I have been interested in for several years. One of them is the use of a Talking Stick. I have been looking for one for quite some time that I could use in my relationship seminars to illustrate this concept. On a recent tour of Alaska I ran across one that fit the bill.

By now I am sure many of you are wondering, what is a Talking Stick anyway?
I don’t have the space here to go into the origination of the tradition. I only want to illustrate its use. By the way you can use any symbol for a talking stick.

One of the problems in relationships is the issue of communication, specifically, people interrupting others while they are talking. When you interrupt someone you are saying: you don’t matter, your ideas are not important, I am not listening to you, I don’t care about what you are saying etc. None of these contribute to open honest communication and relationships.

Enter, the Talking Stick. Let’s say two people are having a discussion of any kind – pleasant or otherwise. Person A begins sharing their thoughts or ideas and they have the Talking Stick. Person B can not say a word, not a word until Person A surrenders the stick. Person B can’t grab it, steal it, ask for it, nothing. They wait and listen. When person A is finished with their opinion, idea or thought they then pass the stick to person B. The same rules apply for Person A that were applicable for Person B. Person A can not talk, not a word until Person B surrenders the stick voluntarily to Person A. Get it?

What is the point of this stick anyway? Well use your imagination for just a minute. What would the use of this stick do for people’s willingness to listen? To the quality of the communication? The validation of the other person by sending the message that I care about what you feel, believe or think.

This simple device can be used just as easily in a business setting such as a meeting as it can in a personal discussion. I have witnessed any number of business meetings where communication does not take place because people are more interested in what they are going to say rather than what the other person is saying.

If you want to improve the quality of your listening, communication and relationships I recommend you consider using this wonderful little device. A talking stick can be a toy, stick from a tree in your yard, one you made, even a spoon. Granted some of these are not as glamorous as one carved in stone from a tribe in the center of Alaska, but it’s the symbolism that matters not the implement.

Tim Connor, CSP is an internationally renowned sales, management and leadership speaker, trainer and best selling author. Since 1981 he has given over 3500 presentations in 21 countries on a variety of sales, management, leadership and relationship topics. He is the best selling author of over 60 books including; Soft Sell, That’s Life, Peace Of Mind, 91 Challenges Managers Face Today and Your First Year In Sales. He can be reached at tim@timconnor.com, 704-895-1230 or visit his website at http://www.timconnor.com.

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Article Source: Love Dating Guide

Fight Or Flight In Relationship Conflict by Site Admin

By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

The fight or flight response is a natural response to danger. Our bodies are created to fight or flee when danger is upon us, such as being attacked by a mountain lion. When faced with this kind of danger, the stress hormones pour into our body, causing some blood to leave our brains and organs and go into our arms and legs. This is vital to us if we are actually being attacked by a mountain lion or a mugger. The problem is that this same response occurs when we become afraid in other situations, such as conflict with a partner.

When in conflict with a partner, we need to have the full capacity of our minds to deal rationally and lovingly with the situation. Yet the moment we become afraid, some of the blood leaves our brain, we cannot think as well, and we automatically go into fight or flight. That is when partners tend to fight or withdraw, neither of which leads to conflict resolution.

Obviously, fighting or fleeing is not the best way of dealing with conflict. Yet when fears are triggered - fears of losing the other through rejection or abandonment, or of losing yourself and being controlled by your partner – the stress response is automatically activated and you find yourself fighting or shutting down. Now matter how much you tell yourself that next time you will respond differently, the moment fear is activated you automatically attack, defend, yell, blame, or shut down through compliance or withdrawal.

What can you do about this?

There are two solutions to this dilemma.

The moment there is tense energy between you and your partner, it is best for both of you to walk away from the conflict for at least 15 minutes. During this time, you can calm down and do some inner work. As the stress response leaves your body, you can think better. This allows you to open to learning about your end of the conflict. Once you are clear about what you are doing that is causing the problem and what you need to do differently, you can reconnect with your partner and talk it out. Sometimes there is not even anything to talk out because the conflict was about the fight or flight rather than about a specific issue. More often than not, it is the stress response itself that is the issue. When you take the time to calm down, you might be able to apologize for your anger, blame, defensiveness or withdrawal, and the conflict is over.

The second solution is a longer-term solution. This is about doing enough inner work, such as the Inner Bonding process that we teach, so that your fears of rejection, abandonment, and engulfment gradually diminish. The more you learn to value yourself rather than expect your partner to define your worth and lovability, the less fear you have of rejection. The more you learn to take loving care of your own feelings and needs, the less dependent you are upon your partner. When your fear of rejection diminishes, so does your fear of engulfment. People give themselves up and allow themselves to be controlled and consumed by their partner as a way of avoiding rejection. When rejection is no longer so frightening, you will find that your fear of being controlled diminishes.

The less fear you have, the less you will be triggered into the stress response of fight or flight. The more secure you feel within due to learning to value yourself and learning to take loving care of yourself, the less fear you will feel in the face of conflict. This is when you stop being so reactive and are able to remain open and caring in the face of conflict.

There is no point in continuing a conflict when one or both of you are coming from fear. Continuing a conflict when the fight or flight response is activated will only erode your relationship. Until you can stay open-hearted in a conflict, it is best to continue to follow through on the first solution – taking a time-out until you feel open-hearted.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. best-selling author of eight books, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com.

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Article Source: Love Dating Guide

Recognizing Marital Conflicts And Solving Them Fast by Site Admin

by Matt Kuren

That was then when they were still blithe individuals who got difficult in their relationship for a little fun and companionship. wedding has made a very big difference in their lives. It appears to have ruined what they call appeal.

Both have attained their career goals. Annie now writes her own editorial in a venture magazine while Glenn has been recruited by a top make law company. Their careers are untaken great; their nuptials however is another hearsay.

Both are so demanding with their own lives that they appear to have happening budding distant. Most of their hours are exhausted at work, and on the singular occasions they see each other, they expend greatly of it in a shouting contest.

From now until the now until the end of this article, take the time to think about how all of this information can help you.

Annie and Glenn’s dilemma is not unjoint to many married join; in statement it is the control shortlyer than the immunity. Married joins sometimes ask themselves why they are able of liability equipment that could hurt the other husband, although the statement that they fondness each other so greatly.

It is real when they say it is the character you fondness the most that can hurt you the most. This is real for most married join who have not yet found a way to fall their differences and live with their then.

Urging are part and pack of being married but it is up to the join to find habits to lower the frequency and the intensity of the spat. Sometimes, joins think having the same spat over and over again is a joint thing in nuptials. Of course, it is a joint thing but it should not be a so.

It is hard to live with another character beroot each one has his own characterality and each character was brought up by their families differently. Conflicts occur when two characteralities and two habits of life merge - each one defective to be dominant.

The highest basis married joins have spats is beroot they are two different people affected to live physically together, regardless of their quirks and characterality. except you are a boring animal who does not want surprises, then you would find it fun to live with a character who is just like you and so predictable that you do not even tell to each other beroot one is enlightened of what other is opinion. Others think differently, believing that when two people are so alike there is no want for the other,

But there are express issues that are cutting to as the joint enlightener of conflict and spat among married joins.

1. Money-Who does not want money? Of course everybody does, and the need of extra of fiscal means will alhabits work as a launching pad for conflict. A join who does not have enough money will have conflicts with budgeting and running their finances. On the other hand, a join who have adequate of reenlighteners will still wrangle over how the money is being exhausted..

2. Envy-A jealous fondness adds crackle to romance but when distrust goes overboard it can make your married life miserable. A little distrust will help make the relationship exciting but too greatly of it will distance one husband from the jealous husband. People who have jealous husbands cultivate to inhibit their emotional and intellectual development.

3. Sex-The need or extra of sexual activity is also a enlightener of conflict for married joins. Couples who have the same sexual preferences are blessed. For most joins incompatibility of their sexual needs is regularly the underlying basis for conflicts that are manifested in other habits.

4. In-laws-There are joins who incessantly wrangle just beroot of domineering in-laws who are interfering with the nuptials. A join may be living away from the in-laws but there are habits in-laws handle to ruin the nuptials. It is genuinely up to the husbands to enlighten their own families about the limitation that are to be obworkd to keep the nuptials well and far from in-laws interference.

5. Responsibility-Who is in dash of cleaning the house? Who is in dash of paying for the monthly bills or the fare? These are little equipment that boil down to the delegation of responsibilities between the husbands. It will be good if husbands can colloquy about who should be responsible for all the equipment needed to keep the nuptials on an even keel..

There are other enlighteners of conflict, most of them originating from the plain enlighteners of conflict. Couples should be enlightened of the equipment that root conflict between them so they can find a joint mixture to those conflicts. Being enlightened of conflicts and confronting them the as shortly as promising will help the nuptials and will sidestep recurrence of such conflicts later on.

What you have learned while reading this informative article, is knowledge that you can keep with you for a lifetime.

Matt Kuren is the owner of Better Sex Life Guide website. Find out more How to improve sex life and relationship and how to have better marriage.

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Article Source: Love Dating Guide

3 Top Secrets On How To Solve And Avoid Conflict Between Lovers by Clarence Lee

There are a lot of tips and ideas on how to make a relationship successful. Even lovers who have been with someone for the longest period of time have a lot to share on how to maintain a healthy relationship.

They will definitely be not the people who will say that a good relationship means there are no conflicts at all. In fact, disagreements may be the only element that can spice up a relationship. However, there are conflicts that can lead to extreme disputes, building on to hatred then becoming enemies. These are the types of differences that lovers should avoid to save the relationship they have invested time and effort on.

Basically, handling conflicts wisely comes with age and wisdom. But even the young lovers of today can learn from one principle wherein they can spare themselves from sheer depression of heartbrokenness. The one main ingredient is no other than mutual compromise.

Mutual compromise means that both parties should learn how to listen and give in to any thoughts his or her lover might have. Disagreements developed because each wants to prove that he or she is right and the other one is wrong. But the sad fact is the truth they both possess is subjective. It is right at some point and wrong at some. The invisible cause actually comes from the selfishness to give in. Compromise emphasizes on both parties actually competing to be lowly instead of competing to be above each other. Being lowly does not mean becoming a doormat. A doormat means somebody who is ignorant of his personal values. These are the types of people who do not have a backbone with regards to social and personal ethics.

The virtue of compromise is practiced by those who completely understand and respect themselves, and knows exactly what his principles are. They are the people who can readily give respect to others because they already feel completely secured in themselves. As a result they possess the ability to give the best to others. When it comes to conflicts and points of disagreements in a relationship, they would voluntarily choose to control their ego first, prefer to listen to a point made by their partners and dismiss the idea of being the boss.

Below are thoughts on how to mutually compromise with your lover so as to avoid unresolved conflicts in the future:

1. Settle your insecurities

Prevention is better than cure. Before one engages in a relationship get into lifestyle check. Be honest to accept your insecurities earlier so as to spare both and your partner unnecessary conflicts in the relationship. Romance and relationship is designed for both partners to be able to grow together in a healthy and physical way and not to suffer.

If you are already in a relationship, you can still do the same and reflect on yourself. Remember conflicts arise because both parties are at fault. And most of the annoyance and irritations primarily comes from not being secured of oneself and initially throws the blame to others. It is not more on external issues actually.

2. Practice and accept humility

Every experience in life is an opportunity to understand that no one is above anybody else. Most individuals fail to understand the fact that each has his own because they refuse to accept their limitations. They keep on believing that the world belongs to them.

When reality sinks in that they are not the only people who live in this world, they become confused and taken off-guard. They get annoyed that they are not in control. One way to avoid conflict is to acknowledge that everybody can be right at times or everybody can be wrong most of the times, including oneself.

3. Give the benefit of the doubt

Whenever your ideals and expectations of your partner are devastated, think that that there are one hundred one ways to kill a cat. What you will involuntary think may not be actually the reason at all. Humans tend to doubt a character easily especially when it comes to putting someone down, let alone a lover.

Jealousy will augment the irritation and annoyance. Before you flare up and make hurting conclusions to your partner, push the red button and warn yourself that what you are thinking may not be the real one. Give your partner a chance to justify his side. Your sincerity and patience will move him to be honest whatever the case may be.

Clarence Lee has been providing free internet dating services to the public for years. His Dating Legend website offers singles personals and adult dating personals to its USA, European and Asian members.Register for your FREE membership NOW at => http://www.datinglegend.com

Article Source: Love Dating Guide

Conflict: Why Do You Argue, Why Do You Fight in Conflict? by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Think about the last time you had a conflict with someone and you argued - with your partner, your friend, your parent, your child, or someone else in your life.

What did you argue about, and why did you spend your energy arguing or fighting?

REASONS FOR ARGUING AND FIGHTING

Here are some of the reasons you might argue and fight in conflict situations:

* You believe that you can get the other person to see things your way - that if you say the right thing, be very convincing, be very logical and rational, be right, be parental, talk very loudly, yell, threaten, blame, attack, call names, or even hit - you can have control over getting the other person to think and feel the way you want. You believe that not only can you win, but that you can somehow have control over the other’s thoughts and feelings.

The problem is that, while you might be able to get control over another’s behavior, you cannot control their thought and feelings. No matter how right you are, another thoughts and feelings are not yours to control.

* Dumping anger on another person may be a way of not dealing with your own feelings. Perhaps you are projecting your own self-abandonment onto the other person, i.e. you are not listening to or hearing yourself so you attack the other person for not listening to you or hearing. Or you are judging yourself so you attack the other person for judging you. If you are judging yourself or not listening to yourself and not taking responsibility for your own feelings, then you may be blaming the other person for the guilt, shame and aloneness you feel within.

* Perhaps you are terrified that if you are open with the other person, especially your partner, that your partner will see things about you that he or she doesn’t like. You might be using fighting as a way to avoid true intimacy, while at the same time creating a connection through the fighting. The connection you feel through fighting might feel safer than creating true intimacy.

* Perhaps you are afraid that if you get really close to someone, you will lose yourself or be taken advantage of. If this is the case, fighting might be a way to feel safe from engulfment. Once again, you can feel some connection through the fighting without actually having to feel close enough to lose yourself to the other person.

* Perhaps arguing and fighting is the only way you know to assuage your fears of rejection. Fighting might give you a sense of control over not losing the other person.

* Perhaps you feel frustrated and helpless in a job situation or a situation with someone else, and fighting with the person you are fighting with is a way to release the frustration and gain back a feeling of control.

* Anger and arguing can be an addictive way of avoiding your feelings of aloneness and loneliness. All addictive behavior cover up painful feelings, and anger and arguing are no exceptions.

THE WAY OUT OF ARGUING

Until you want 100% responsibility for all of your own feelings - your feelings of anger, frustration, guilt, shame, anxiety, depression, fear, hurt, loneliness, aloneness, helplessness over others and outcomes, and so on - you may continue to use arguing and fighting as ways to avoid this responsibility. Until you are ready to lovingly attend to your own feelings with a deep and compassionate desire to learn about your own thoughts, beliefs and behavior that create your feelings, you may be stuck trying to control others into making you feel better. And until you fully accept your lack of control over others thoughts and feelings, you might continue to attempt have control through arguing and fighting.

You will find that you stop arguing and fighting when you learn to take 100% responsibility for all your own feelings through the practice of Inner Bonding.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Ready to join the thousands who have discovered real love and intimacy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available.

Article Source: Love Dating Guide